Wednesday, January 24, 2007


There is the motherly advice of making sure you are wearing clean underwear just in case you are in an accident. While we may have scoffed at these words of wisdom when we first heard them, as we get older it seems like sound advice. Forgetting, of course, that if you are in a car accident you will probably empty your bowels anyway-but the spirit of the advice is good.

Advice that I was never given but will be certain to pass on to my children is to always check the folds of your stomach fat for a ham sandwich. Stories like this make the rounds pretty quickly and can destroy your social and will certainly end any prospects of dating.

Imagine having the EMT paramedics arrive at your apartment to wheel you out in a piano gurney and one of them- the not so discreet one (isn’t that always the case?) reaches into the folds of you fat to get a better grip and pulls out a ham sandwich. I can assure you there will be snickers between the grunts and groans of trying to get you on that gurney and through the door. Or when 6 of your friends come over for the weekly ‘rolling you on your other side to keep the bed sores from developing further' and a ham sandwich falls out. You will no longer be known for anything other than that. The fact that you once urinated for 20 minutes straight or that you had a tumor removed that had grown hair and several teeth will be forgotten along with other such accomplishments. You will only be known as the guy who had a ham sandwich hidden in the rolls of your stomach fat.

1 comment:

Penelope said...

Speaking of motherly advice (not that you're a mother, but you know what I mean) I think letting other people's stuff define me is all I've been doing my whole life. In Babylon 5, one of the characters called it the Hour of the Wolf, and said her father would drink a shot of vodka to keep the wolf away, and another small sip in case she had any pups. What is it about dogs in the early morning? :) Thanks for the comment, tho.