Sunday, July 29, 2007

I was joking that we were taking a vacation before vacation, but in truth, K- and I both needed some down time away from packing and the house that will not sell.

We met my cousins and my immediate family in Saugatuck/ Douglas Michigan. These are the same cousins that we took trips to Cape cod with back in the day. Eight people in my family and 5 cousins have somehow grown to 25 kids and 29 adults.

Walking on the beach last night as the sun began to set I watched the silhouette of 15 young kids running on the beach. It looked like “Lord of the Flies” and trust me no one over the age of 18 has the conch.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Think back, way back, to high school. That feeling of the last day of school before summer break. The piles of notes, books, notebooks and old moldy lunches that filled your locker. There was a feeling of freedom from all of this paper which could way so heavily during the year. Suddenly, it was no longer needed. It was a tradition in my high school to dump everything in the halls of the school. Hundreds and hundreds of students throwing a years worth of paper in the halls. You would kick through the piles of paper, ankle deep, like leaves in autumn.

Today is my last day at work before we begin our little experiment. It feels like that last day of school before summer vacation- except I don't recall feeling the fear of uncertainty back then- I also suspect it would be frowned upon to dump my files in the halls.

"Can't pretend the growing older never hurts"- Pete Townsend
(Have I mentioned that I met Pete Townsend...I have? OK, I'll shut up then.)

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Wow, how crap have I been on writing?

I can only blame this on the summer, the stress of trying to move to Paris (2 weeks) and most importantly the confusion I feel over my role models.

First Paris Hilton- I didn't write about it because I'm a guy,(despite what you might have thought when reading my stuff) I kept the emotions bottled up as well as the embarrassment of pondering the possibility of the Paris Hilton: Caged Heat video. Secondly, Linsay Lohan was not, as it turned out, sober. Well, there goes my date for the AA Summer Dance. And lastly, Britney Spears meltdown at her OK! photoshoot.

What have I learned from all of this? I need to stop reading internet celebrity trash and pack!!!!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Earlier this week K- had her yoga class and I went to a Thai restaurant by myself. I pretended to read my book, The World Is Flat, while I listened in on the conversation next to me. A woman of a certain age, that age being 49, I know because she wants to spend her 50th birthday at the Grand Canyon but on the Northern Basin because her husband can't take the altitude of the southern basin, or maybe its the other way around- I'm from Ohio how should I know? Anyway, this lady was all pissed off because she was getting on a plane and the security person took away her toothpaste.

"No liquids, unless under 4ounces." Said the security guard

"But the entire tube of tooth paste is 4 ounces and half of it is gone leaving only 2 ounces" complained the woman on the business end of 50.

The young security guard apologized but held firm. As the woman relayed this story of injustice to her dinner partner she described the security woman as being "this young girl, maybe 22, with an I.Q. of sassy!"

I shot soda out of my mouth onto my book. Obviously, The World Is Flat is not that funny. They looked at me, the jig was up. I have yet to use this bon mot but rest assured I will and when I do it will be accompanied by a "Z" snap.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Tonight I should go to my weekly meeting but I made the mistake of picking up the second season of Arrested Development from the library. That's right, I'll watch one show after another until my mind melts. I will also be eating entirely too much pizza and I may get some ice cream also. I'll wash it all down with diet coke so I don't gain any weight.

Please refrain from calling me tonight as your calls will be screened.
As you can probably guess, it’s getting more and more difficult to focus on work. My last day is next Friday so other than closing our a few of my projects I’ve become pretty worthless. Add copious amounts of free time to unlimited Internet access and you have a recipe for perusing convicted sex offenders in my zip code.

I believe this is one of those occasions that the old adage ‘ignorance is bliss’ might be appropriate. I was surprised to learn that many of the waiters at my neighborhood restaurants have been up to no good. One of the strangest things to see when perusing the photographs of sex offenders is that some of them are smiling! I think that if you smile for your mug shot they should keep you in jail.

Earlier this week K- and I got our carry out from a guy who did time for corrupting a minor and sexual battery. Either one or the other would be enough, but to have both counts against him shows he's a real go-getter, which is probably why he is working the register.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted and I apologize for that. The stress has got me all stopped up.

This past month I have been spending. Suddenly I’m all about buying things. Usually I can do without the designer items but the stress of the move and aging clumsily has me buying all manner of items- new glasses (Prada), new sunglasses (Ray Ban …natch), 4 new pairs of jeans with different washes, lovely new linen shirts and a very nice new man- bag from Banana Republic.

The bag came today from UPS- and yes its very sharp. After work I’m going to put on my cool shades, and cool clothes I’ll slip the messenger bag over my shoulder and take it out for a little walk around the neighborhood, perhaps to the library or the coffee shop. I’ll introduce it to the neighbors and if they ask about the house I’ll ignore them, hiding behind my new shades, I'll saunter off into the sunset- just a guy and his man-bag

Monday, July 09, 2007

We are moving to Paris in exactly 1 month. The house hasn't sold yet, I can't speak French and I'm questioning whether or not we have enough money. I'm also questioning what I'll be doing for a year. All that aside I'm mostly concerned for my cat, Ponette. Mostly I'm worried about the flight over- should we drug her? I've heard compelling arguments for and against- the biggest one against is that they can die. The other thing is how does she go to the bathroom? Its an 8 hour flight which she will be flipping out and another couple hours getting to the new apartment. I'm not sure how long a cat can go without going to the bathroom, but we shall see.

Actually, the more I think about it I'm worried about everything.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

I’m ok with aging. I really am. I like the fact that I don’t get filled with jealousy, that I’ve learned to trust, that I’ve learned to put things in the proper perspective and there are fewer NRB’s (no reason boners)

Physically the aging process has been gradual- so gradual that when I look at pictures from a few years ago I’m amazed by the differences. Some gray has crept in the beard, a slight double chin has developed and its considerable harder to lose weight. Since I’ve quite drinking and smoking and I work out I’m probably much healthier and stronger than I used to be but physically it doesn’t seem to show this.

Yesterday I went to get my eyes examined because I want cool sunglasses for Paris (this, in my mind, will make up for the doubled chin and love handles). I was informed that I need bifocals. "BIFOCALS!- Are you stoned Doctor!!" She said that after the age of 40 that’s what usually happens. (Note she did not answer the stoned question) So I’ve been prescribed bifocals for when I read- can viagra* be far off?

*A lot of erection talk today- sorry but I'm feeling very sensative.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Here’s how arguments begin in my house, at least this particular one.

We wake up at 7:00 am. As you know, we are trying to sell our house and today, while we both are working, a realtor will walk a prospective buyer through the house.

We both make the bed- K adds a few extravagant folds for additional flair. I go downstairs and make oatmeal. K- doesn’t eat breakfast and usually gets herself ready for work upstairs while I eat and play backgammon on my little black Mac also know as Sexual Chocolate. I don't realize that all the conditions are right for a storm. It’s 7:30 AM, I’m still a little sleepy and I’m not paying attention. I hear Kelly moving around upstairs, but I pay her no mind- we are both in our morning rituals. Had I been paying attention I would realize that usually I cannot hear her in the morning- suggesting that she might be making loud banging noises for a reason. Hmmmmm. I notice nothing amiss other than I wonder if the backgammon game is somehow rigged- I seem to roll double six’s every time I’m unable to use them. Kelly comes downstairs.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

“What ’s this?” I think to myself, she knows perfectly well what I’m doing. I think quickly…. there is a situation here…something… not… right. I quickly review all the answers I can possibly give to this question.

“Nothing” I respond. Mayday, Mayday, man down.

“Nothing?” She asks eyes wide, a shocked look upon her face

“Yea, nothing just eating a little oatmeal and playing backgammon.”

“You mean to tell me that for the past 40 minutes while I’ve been cleaning you’ve been playing video games?”

“Well…I don't think you can consider backgammon a video game and I think we made the bed 20 minutes ago- there’s no way it been 40 minutes.” (NOTE TO SELF: no need to correct her when she’s at this place). Besides, I didn’t realize you were cleaning?"

“You didn’t realize I was cleaning?” She asks, totally ignoring the facts I've laid out for her.

I begin to notice that she is repeating everything I say but puts a question mark at the end. At this point the morning can be salvaged. An apology on my part, a quick wiping of a counter and we can kiss and go to work. That would be the smart response. Obviously that isn’t going to happen.

“If you wanted help all you had to do was ask…don’t be such a victim” (I believe in getting right to the name calling) “how should I know you were cleaning, I thought you were getting dressed”

“FOR 45 MINUTES!? She screamed- (hence the all caps)


We yell some more- at some point someone, (usually her) says …"I don’t know how this Paris thing is going to work if you act like a 12 year old."

As if to prove her 12 year old comment I say something like, "Well maybe if you didn’t search so hard for things to complain about we would have these arguments.”

“Well maybe if someone helped around the house.”

“Well maybe if someone didn’t keep score as to who cleans what and if you are going to keep score try to score it correctly….”

I go to work pissed off, she goes to work pissed off and the day begins.

How could I make this situation worse? By blogging about it to complete strangers.

Monday, July 02, 2007

I went to a meeting a few days ago and was struck by the discussions people were having.

One guy, in his mid twenties, came in late and spoke as soon as the last person finished. At first I thought he was drugged, he was speaking in a slow, monotone voice and complaining about how hard his life was. He was talking about being at work and lying to his boss so that he could leave a few hours early that day and how hard it is to stay sober etc. “It’s important that I don’t beat myself up over it.” He said. The rest of the meeting he put his head on the table and appeared to sleep. Being toxic is very tiring work.

I disagree. I think he should beat himself over his behavior. Not for the rest of his life but certainly for the day. It should feel bad to lie. You can be fired for lying to get out of work - so that seems like a pretty legitimate fear. It probably is difficult to stay sober if you focus on how hard life is and continue to do the same shit you’ve always done.

For some people life is a dull grind, filled with negativity and complaints. They have to share their negative thoughts and complaints with others- negative needs to breed more negativity. They complain as a way of explaining to others, and more importantly themselves, why their row is more difficult to hoe. It must be that their lives our more difficult, otherwise they would be to blame for their own misery. Negativity begets negativity.

I have had a few toxic people in my life but I have, over time, weeded them out. I no longer feel the need to extend conversations with these types of people in the name of civility or politeness. Life is too short to spend time with the nay-sayers, whiners and complainers. I avoid toxic people like the plague.

After the meeting this guy’s energy was restored when he saw an attractive girl and bolted over to meet her. Hopefully she had the sense to run.