Even with great hair, which I have, it’s hard to pull off bird crap on the shoulder. This is the second time in as many weeks in which I have been assaulted by our feathered friends, which is odd because I thought the birds and I had an understanding, a pact if you will, made a long time ago.

When I was a boy, a friend and I took a BB gun to the hollow behind my house. We were shooting cans but it didn’t take long before I started aiming at targets that moved. Much to my surprise, dismay and, I have to admit, pride I shot a bird. We ran over to where it fell and there lay a white dove breathing its last breath (in retrospect it must have been a white pigeon- not that that makes it ok, but it makes it…less bad). We swore then that we would never shoot another bird*- and it was then that I assumed they wouldn’t crap on me or talk bad about me behind my back. Apparently, this detente is not honored in France and so I will need to be on my guard, as will they. Birds are resentful creatures and are well aware that revenge is a dish best served cold.


*Strangely enough I shot Todd Mailin the same day with the BB gun but did not feel the same remorse, nor did I swear to not shoot people. This is why I have been approached by many governments to freelance as a hired gun.