Thursday, October 04, 2012

My new life coach, who may or may not be a doctor, a wee bit insane and possibly an alcoholic, directed me to 3 dating sites to get me back into the romance game. It should be mentioned at this point that I have no game with women. I bemoan this fact with a woman friend and she explains that my not having game was, in itself, game. While I appreciate the pep talk I’m not buying into the observation. It would be like saying my inability to time travel is precisely what makes me able to travel in time so well.

But I’m ready for a change so I look at the three sites she gives me.
1. Ashly Madison. A site for married people that want to have affairs. Since I wasn’t married I thought it would be dishonest for me to join that one.
2. Plenty of Fish. A free site and I love fish so that’s promising. Unfortunately, Plenty of Fish has a lot of fish with meth mouth.
3. is a paid site so there will be women that are invested in dating on it. “A classier kind of lady” my new life coach explains.

I am already on something I had forgotten. My 12-year-old niece, concerned with my pathetic social life, set up an account for me. She was on the computer with her friends, twin 11-year-olds, all three giggling. I don't know if giggling kids are allowed to be on the computer without supervision so I rat her out to her mother, my sister-in-law. It is then we discover they are filling out a profile for me. Instead of being beaten their mother and grandmother join them in creating a profile. They are a little dismayed by the lack of Jewish women on and suggest J-Date. I'm a little dismayed that they are family and aren't aware I'm not Jewish. I’m not certain what they wrote but soon I am receiving a plethora of emails from extremely overweight, black women in their 60’s. They seem to have struck a demographic chord.

I call my niece, get the password and re-do the profile. I remind myself that the purpose is to sell me. Any photos that are chosen have to put me in the best possible light (preferably non-fluorescent); there will be no double chins, no t-shirts tightly stretched over a widening belly- in short, a photo that doesn't look anything like me at all. I tout my attributes, a soul searching process. The only thing that seems to be a selling point is the music I like but to most people that in itself is probably deal breaker. I downplay any negative characteristics- for instance, I don’t mention that I probably only hear 50% of what anyone tells me. It isn’t a hearing problem; it’s a lack of interest problem. My Life Coach suggests I emphasize that I am ‘Renaissance Man’ and de-emphasize the fact that I am ‘Unemployed Man’. Essentially I’m lying. Everything I write is true- but the things I leave out are blatant. But I have to remember I’m a product, like toothpaste, and toothpaste must be sold

At this time I’m wandering around a bit- a few months in New York, a few months in Seattle, Ireland, back to Seattle, San Francisco, back to New York, D.C.

I settle on New York City and move to the Upper East Side September 1st, 2012.


Ms. Chelotti said...

You're killing me...I love it!

Patrick said...

Hilarious. It's good to see you're writing again. Also, I had no idea you moved to NY. We should get in touch.