I was having coffee in the East Village with a friend when he let it slip that he had been on a reality TV show. He was rather casual about it until I reminded him that I was from the Midwest and he doesn’t have to pull that blasé New York bullshit with me. He then spoke about it excitedly but in a low voice so that the other customers wouldn’t know he enjoyed it. From what I gathered it was similar to project runway but with hair styles.

“Where can I see this show?”

“It’s still playing in Sweden.”

While I’m interested in seeing my friend on this show I’m not ‘travel to Sweden’ interested and so I had to make do with youtube. It’s true. But that isn’t really what I want to talk about.

As we were leaving Yaffa Café on St. Marks Place he pointed to the building across the street. “That’s where the Rolling Stone video Waiting on a Friend was shot.”

“Woooo back up. You wasted my time with your bullshit reality show talk when all the while we’ve been sitting across from the stoop from “Waiting on a Friend.” “

“It’s also the building used in the album cover for Physical Graffiti for Led Zeplin” he said “and Jeff Buckley used to perform down the street”

“You could do tours of New York- focusing on the East Village” I said wondering how I could get a cut of that action.

“Alan Ginsburg lived in my building”

“Jesus dude you’re sitting on a goldmine!”

“It was just in my building, not my apartment.” He lamented.

They don’t have to know that- charge people to tour your apartment. We’ll scribble some “original” verses of “Howl” on the wall.

I told him of my plan to charge people money to bathe in the bathtub Jim Morrison was found dead.

Who wouldn’t pay $1,000 dollars to smoke a joint in and that tub? He asked

Right?

I feel as though I found a kindred spirit.

Looking for a justification I tried to put a philosophical
“It doesn’t matter if it’s true, people will think it is- which is a form of truth in itself.”

“That’s true… or a form of truth. It’s almost like performance art”

“It’s exactly like performance art!” I cried. “At least that’s what we’ll say if there’s an inquiry.”

We got quiet for a moment while I snapped a photo of the building.

“…but this really is the “Waiting On A Friend Building, right?” I asked

“I think so.”

This is the longest I’ve gone without writing; it’s easy to get out of the habit. It seems the longer I go without posting the less I have to write but what it might be is that my standards rise the longer I’m away from the blog- I did, after all, write a post about the different color twist is on bread.

First of all- Happy New Year! We went down to the Seine along with thousands of others and waited for the Eiffel Tower to sparkle- a loud cheer went up- Champaign was popped; in my case Perrier was unscrewed.

We went for a walk the next morning- vomit was everywhere. That is a terrible way to celebrate in the New Year.

Creepiest thing I’ve done in 2008 – keeping in mind it’s only been 3 days. Yesterday while at the American Library I was checking my email on one of two computers. A woman was on the other computer typing thoughtfully- I peered over to see what she was writing because I have no sense of personal space- noticed she was writing a blog entry. Looked up her blog as I sat next to her. It’s pretty good- I sent a comment saying as much.

The two computers at the library are named Gertrude and Ernest. A few weeks ago an older woman told me that Ernest was faster than Gertrude and I responded that that may be true but Gertrude could kick Ernest’s ass in a cage match. It occurs to me that I actually wrote that in a post last year. It also was probably an inappropriate response.

The bar on this blog is very low.

I quite smoking 4 years ago today- I miss it everyday but refuse to pick up the habit again. I’m more motivated by the financial benefits of not smoking then the health benefits.

Paris maybe fuming over the anti-smoking laws that come into effect this year but I truly don’t care. I think most people are pretty polite when it comes to smoking- smoky cafes don’t bother me.

We were in the restaurant below our apartment – it was very tight seating. The tables were pushed up against each other. A woman sitting next to my friend finished her meal and lit up a smoke just as my friend’s meal arrived. It’s people like her that make these laws necessary.

Public humiliation is a great behavior modification tool.

Bring back the stocks!

Did you know that one of Marie Antoinette’s handmaids was torn apart- literally torn apart- by the revolutionary mob? I don’t remember that song from the musical.

We had friends in this past week- the only thing better than exploring Paris is exploring it with old friends.

I bought a pair of Chelsea boots last week. When I was in high school I believed that boots were similar to hemorrhoids- sooner or later every asshole gets one. It turns out that is true.

Remember several months ago when I tried to introduce some learning in this blog, but then we decided that learning things was stupid and that the only reason we sent kids to school was to get them out of way during “our shows” because they kept saying ridiculous things like “there really isn’t any such thing as a weather-changing machine” or “I don’t think she would survive a brain transplant” Which, would of course ruin the soap opera but we weren't allowed to hit them because of some law. Remember that? Man, those were good days.

Well I’ve been thinking about a couple of things lately…actually I’ve been thinking real hard about about them.

Number 1: What is going on with the Gypsies? How do they justify their less than above board manner of getting money? It’s politically incorrect to discuss it but since the Gypsies aren’t concerned with it (yes I’ve asked) and I’m more envious than judgmental- I feel entitled. I’d love to pick a pocket or two- I'd take a tip from Bill Sykes he can whip what he'd like, I recall he started small he had to pick a pocket or two*. Of course the key of theft for me would be getting away with it because I’m far too good looking to spend time in jail- it’s the hair, I think we’ve discussed this. Remember?

Number 2: As I wander the city looking for gypsy encampments and giving unsolicited advice to people who seem happier than me, I’ve noticed an extraordinary number of pigeons are missing their toes. When I first saw it I thought, “oh those darn gypsies”, but this caper is too big even for them.

So I’ve decided to research both of these topics and write about them. And, as with the first time we tried to get our learn on, when I say “research” I mean “google” and when I say “write” I mean “cut and paste” whatever I find.

Much Love,
Misplace

P.S. Write when you get work

*all these musical references are doing nothing for my claim of heterosexuality

Everything I needed to know I learned in the Pasteur metro station.

Don’t spit in the street



Bathe once a week



Once you have these two rules down the rest of life is easy.


Oh yea…and don’t feed the pigeons, it isn’t cute, it isn't sanitary and they do not love you.

Kelly bought some new Chuck Tayler tennis shoes. She accidently stepped in vomit on the metro. Immediately after that is not the time to call them Up-Chuck Taylors.

Have I mentioned that I always suspected that I have a learning disability? If I was in high school today I’m certain that I would diagnosed with some form of learning disability and be given some drug that would make me ‘get it’. I wonder if my life would be different. I have grown past the ‘less than feelings’ that can be associated with not doing well in school. But, as a kid, its easy to define yourself by those short comings. I always feel bad for fat kids because its hard enough without having ot put up with that crap. Whenever I see a fat parent buying their fat kids a hot dog and a 20 ounce big Gulp from the 7-11 I want to shake the parent and say "This is child abuse!" but I'm afraid the fat parent and her fat kid would beat me up and where would my self-esteem be then?

When I was young, I must not have picked up reading quickly. In fact it must have been so painfully slow that my parents sent me to a private tutor at Mount Saint Joseph College. It was a nun who taught me and I just barely remember the lessons at all. I do remember that the nun was very kind and patient. It’s in vogue to trash the men and women of the cloth in the Catholic religion, and while I’m no longer a religious person I will say they, for the most part, treated me well- except Sister Joseph Ellen who sucker punched me as I came out of the bathroom, but she still makes me laugh with her antics so I can’t be too resentful toward her.

Anyway- As I have mentioned before there were 6 kids in my family. We were by no means poor but I’m sure there wasn’t extra money lieing around to pay for private reading lessons. Every Saturday my mom would drive to the College but before we got there we would stop at a donut shop where I could get any pastry I wanted. This was a big deal, in my family as we weren’t permitted sweets like this. My mom and I would sit on the lawn and eat our breakfast snack and talk- with all those kids my parents were pretty good about spending individual time with each of us. I only remember one conversation we had. I asked my mom if she would vote for Richard Nixon if she were his mother- she said no.

One day after many months of tutoring, the nun told me that there was no reason for me to come back- I was a fine reader she told my mother. She must have been right because I became a reading fool spending great amounts of time in the library. A bagful of library books felt like Christmas to me. I wish I could remember the nun that taught me to read, but I think, more importantly, the time I spent with my mom taught me to enjoy the experience of reading.

I have a Number 8 to The Useless Things I've Learned list. It came from my younger, wiser brother, Brendan.

A few useless things I've learned

1.Woman who are 100% heterosexual will look at Angela Jolie and say, "I'd do her" (but they are usually lieing)

2.In the gym locker room: The fatter the ass the more likely that fat, bare ass will sit on the bench without a towel.

3. to be added

4. If you want your restaurant meal to arrive, light a cigarette, if you want your boss to walk into your cubical, download porn.

5. Don't admit that global warming seems like a nice idea. Just keep it to yourself, you'll be happier.

6. No self respecting Wiccan would have a "Witches Do It In Circles" bumper sticker on their car (or broom).

7.This is really neither here nor there, but Barney Fife is the funniest character on TV. He once referred to Gomer as being "...as sharp as a bag full of wet mice" which still makes me laugh.

8. If you are the father and are watching the children while your wife goes out, never refer to it as "babysitting" call it "parenting". My younger brother gave me this advice and I suspect he learned the hard way.

More Things I've Learned

This is really neither here nor there, but Barney Fife is the funniest character on TV. He once referred to Gomer as being "...as sharp as a bag full of wet mice" Still makes me laugh.

A few useless things I've learned

1.Woman who are 100% heterosexual will look at Angela Jolie and say, "I'd do her"

2.In the gym locker room: The fatter the ass the more likely that fat, bare ass will sit on the bench without a towel.

3. If you want your restaurant meal to arrive, light a cigarette, if you want your boss to walk into your cubical, download porn.

4. Don't admit that global warming seems like a nice idea. Just keep it to yourself, you'll be happier.

5. No self respecting Wiccan would have a "Witches Do It In Circles" bumper sticker on their car (or broom).

One of the many nice things about getting older is becoming aware of life's little lessons. I am less likely to fly off the handle when I do something wrong. Time has taught me that a similar situation will arise and I can use that past mistake to decide the correct action to take. I have also been known to make the same mistake over and over again expecting different results. Einstein referred to this process as 'insanity'.

A high school friend is getting married. I have, of course, waited until the day before the wedding to get the present. I found out where they are registered, went on-line and prepared to buy. Low and behold, all the cheap shit is gone! Note to self: Buy present early, there are only so many spatulas on the list.

I had my car washed today. Deluxe service, leather scent, very nice. It's one of those automated car washes with the veiwing area. You can watch the car as it goes through each of the washing phases, very cool.

I'm amazed at how many adults simply drop the car off and pass the viewing area and wait for their car at the end of the assembly line. How could you not watch this process?

These people have their priorities out of wack.