We have had friends visit us in Paris. The visits are great until we get to Montmartre. I have absolutely no knowledge of this area. I can walk you to Sacre Coeur and afterwards take you to the crepe place I like. The tour goes something like this.

“YEA, HA HA YOU GUYS WANT SOME CREPES? THIS PLACE IS GREAT HA HA. THERE’S A PICTURE OF JACQUE BREL ABOVE THE PIANO. NO, HE’S BELGIAN. BOY I SURE LIKE HAM ON MY CREPE. WE SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT SOME PICTURES TO PUT ON THE WALL HA HA. MONTMARTRE JUST A BIG OL’ HILL HA HA!”

It’s pathetic and painful yet I continuously drag people through this crap. Well not this time- I’m ready for visitors. I have a slew of family coming in town over next two months. My mom and dad are renting an apartment near the Louvre from March through May – and so for two months all my siblings, their spouses and kids (I have 12 nieces and nephews under the age of 16 will be traipsing through Paris, and I am ready to tackle the big hill. I have mapped out an excellent tour of Montmartre- it includes everything murder, transvestites, hookers, gypsum mines, revolution, theft, hearts entombed in catacombs, and we will finish off with the order in which animals were eaten during the Paris Siege starting with dogs through cats and finally to the rats. There will be some art because- well, their parent will question the other things I’m teaching their children, but then we will roll right into alcoholism, drugs, and insanity of the local talent.

If I have done my job these kids will have nightmares of a drunken Toulouse-Lautrec chasing them through the streets of Montmartre dressed as a woman.