Today, I went to Shake Shack for a burger on the Upper East Side. It was terrible but reminded me to be grateful that I don’t have children. Don’t get me wrong, if I had a child I would love it with all my heart but aren’t they a pain in the ass? So much racket and fuss. I have never, ever, heard a kid tell a story that I had any interest in. Not once. Sometimes, I think a story’s going some place interesting and then it just ends with “I like the color red” or “Stephanie is my best friend.” Really, that’s what I waited 10 minutes for?

Anyway the Shake Shack was a disappointment until Susan Rabin sat across from me. Susan Rabin is the best selling author of books on flirtation. She’s been on Letterman, Leno, Oprah and Phil Donahue (time to update the website Susan). She’s a delightful person and we chatted for an hour. I asked her about my flirting skills. I told her to watch and observe as I smile at women in the Shake Shack so she could see how cold the women of New York City are. I looked around and there were only high school girls there so we both decided it would be best if I didn’t do that. She asked me the last time I opened a conversation with a woman.

It had been awhile. I told a girl a couple of weeks ago she had nice boots. I wasn’t lying they were cool boots. “Nice boots.” I said. Several months ago I was in a coffee shop in Brooklyn and I told the barista that she had nice teeth. They were nice, very white and even. “You have really nice teeth.” I said and I meant it.

When I sat down to write about Susan and the Shake Shack tonight I had a general idea of what I was going to say but as I wrote the last paragraph I realized that either of those comments could be misunderstood. Nice boots might sound like “nice boobs”. Nice teeth could be interpreted as “nice tits”. I’m just realizing this. Maybe the women of New York City aren’t cold, maybe I don’t enunciate very well.