I signed up for a Facebook account and I want friends. Please, please, please befriend me. We can stay up late, listening to 45’s, eating ice cream and just talking.

I'm not certain how being on Facebook is any better than emailing directly but it seems to be all the rage and I’m all about staying current, it makes me feel groovy and ‘now’. While this technology is probably old hat to you I have found myself a stranger in a strange land. For instance, I was informed, through Facebook, that a young friend and her boyfriend broke up- I know this because an icon of a broken heart that was sent to me as an update on her life and he has been removed from her Top Ten list. Later, I was "poked" by a friend of my wife and I'm not certain how I should respond to this. Back in the day getting “poked” meant something else and the best response was slipping out unnoticed. I noticed that Nicole was "gifted" some chocolate chip cookies; they aren't real cookies but rather drawing of cookies. Another person had a bad day and they are requesting that drinks be sent to them, again, pictures of drinks not real drinks. This person is looking to get their virtual buzz on. If they have too many pictures of drinks do they then put a picture of vomit on their shoes? It's all very confusing and light in calories.

I do have a Myspace Page- although there is something inherently sketchy about a 40 something man with a Myspace Page. If it should happen to come up I'm quick to add that my wife told me to get a Myspace account and that we can buy a house near the high school if we wanted to. On Myspace you will notice that I have a plethora of close friends. Leif Garrett, the 1970’s super-duper star, is a friend of mine but K-Fed (Britney's ex) would not accept the hand of friendship from me. David Sedaris became a friend with a buddy of mine but doesn't want anything to do with me. Thank God Charlotte Gainsbourg and I are still tight. Charlotte has stood by me through a lot of tough times. I’m sure she’s tired of my late night calls about David and K-fed, it certainly would explain the restraining order. But that’s ok because Regina Spektor is also a friend but not a very good one. She sends me her concert updates but then pretends to not know me when I see her on the street or need to borrow money- actually she is like many of my friends. Of course, I do the same thing to Leif Garrett when he asks me for money. Oh by the way- when you see Leif pronounce his name as “Leaf”. He will look at you as though he smells something bad and say that it’s pronounced “Life”. You can either laugh or just say “Leaf…who cares?” That’s what friends are for.

So anyway- I want friends. Please befriend me. Please?