Thursday, May 29, 2008

I’ve been reading expat blogs for several years. In my experience I have found that there are two things that will kill a Paris blog.

The first, and this is instant death to a blog, is having a baby*. The simple truth is that other than very close friends and family no one cares about your newborn. Just as no one cared when my cat vomited on me while I slept because she was angry that I moved her food. I’m not saying I don’t understand- I will be the #1 offender when K- squeezes out a little bean. After that you might as well stop coming around because this blog will be loaded with pictures of the adorable little tyke and a detailed description of each crap and vomit. The entire blog will be done in baby talk. “Ohh little baby-wabby pukey- wukeyed on the kitty-widdy.” I will, of course, be incensed when you loose interest in baby-wabby and my bloggy-woggy.

The second thing that will temporarily kill a Paris blog is the inevitable hometown visit. I'm going to my little corner of the Midwest for two weeks. I’m guessing that I won’t be blogging. But I can give you a quick run down of what I’ll be doing.

1. I will be delighting my friends with an affected French accent and pretending to struggle for English words even though I've only spoken 6 words in French since I've been here.
2. I will enthrall my friends with constant comparisons of the Midwest and Paris. When I complain to the waiter about the bread, I will let out a sardonic laugh and sadly shake my head. "This would never be tolerated in Paris."
3. I will talk about "my cafe" and how much better the coffee is in Paris than it is in the Midwest. (Strangely, this is not true.)
4. I will be certain to use words like “provincial” and phrases like, “that is sooo American” whenever anyone tells me their opinion.
5. I will be certain to explain how Americans live to work while the French work to live-because that expression never gets old.
6. Anytime the word "French" is used to describe something, I’ll say, “That’s not French." i.e. “That’s not French coffee.” “That’s not French bread.” “Those aren’t French fries.” "That's not French kissing."
7. And when everyone refuses to give me a lift to the airport because I’ve been such a pretentious jerk I’ll mock his or her big American car.

*The one exception to this rule is Michelle's new baby because that is one cute kid but her blog is blocked so I guess you’ll never know.

9 comments:

carrie and/or john said...

come for a NYC visit!!! we may even out-do you in pretentiousness! Afterall, being on our own special island, NY-ers aren't attached and therefore can't be held accountable for the inferiority of the rest of the place.

--carrie

Starman said...

Another thing that will kill interest in a Paris blog is when the blogger falls madly in love with his/her French person and talks about little else. Boooooring!

~Michelle~ said...

For Misplaced readers who wish to view my blog, please email me at my alias: vivien5leigh@gmail.com and I will be happy to give you a peek into my world.

I agree with Starman, I recently stopped reading a Paris blog for the exact reason he stated. Hmmm, wonder if its the same one...

Thanks for the kind words, Misplaced. I hope you have a nice time on your latest journey.

Anonymous said...

and your "other" less important friends who are still misplaced in the Midwest will gasp in delight in your new bathing habits and fondness for poncy cologne...

LDP said...

Wait, you're from the midwest?

Anonymous said...

L'eau du chatcac - mysterious, intoxicating and sooooo French!

Aralena said...

I cared when your cat vomited on you. I really did.

AND. Your writing interests me because of how you put it, not where your bum is seated while you write it.

Omyword! Did I Say That? said...

When I read the shortened version of this post on the Paris group blog, I was all ready to come over here and say, "You go, girl!"

Guess I need to come over here and read more often.

Now is when you can call me a slug. But I'm not sure what the French word is for that.

Have a lovely trip and hurry back and write some more so I can singe it into my brain that you are a blogging man, not a blogging girl.

Brendastarlet said...

But what if someone offers you a ride in their Prius? Things have changed over here, dude. And just wait until you see L'Olivier olive oil in your gourmet store. It's a global village!