Metro-sexual: A straight man without a beer belly, likes to dress somewhat well, reads, travels, has a certain amount of empathy toward his fellow man, hits the occasional museum and doesn’t grab a woman’s ass in a crowded bar. Essentially it’s a man in touch with his feminine side but he doesn’t menstruate.

These are good traits to pursue. No one wants to go back to the John Wayne era of stoic masculinity. It isn’t healthy and it doesn’t lead to a very fulfilling life. So we men got in touch with our feelings and began expressing them. Before you think too highly of us- we only did it because we thought we might get laid a bit more often. But it turns out that expressing feelings is fun, therapeutic and might keep us from firing a high-powered rifle from a bell tower- and so we expressed away.

Here’s the problem; we didn’t stop. We wanted every thought, feeling and discomfort expressed. We wanted you to feel our pain. We wanted complete strangers to say, “Damn, that fella sure got the short end of the stick on that whole soy latte transaction.” We basically began to express as much as women express- and, no offense to women, but you all express a lot. Grown men began to believe, “I’m in a bad mood right this very moment- I know that it will pass in about a minute but before it does I want to tell you exactly why what you are doing hurts my feeling and makes me feel less than “

I knew men were gone when they started using the term “emotional affair”, which is a nonsense concept, which basically means I’m really jealous and insecure so I don’t think you should talk to members of the opposite sex at work. It is emotionally no different than buying an 8 ball of coke and getting a hotel room with her for the weekend. Trust me, it's different.

So men expressed their feelings- and unfortunately, their feelings are basically the same feelings as a 5 year-old child’s whose mom wont buy him candy in the checkout line of the grocery store.

I wonder if women realize how large a part they played in the ‘Pussification of the American Male” (trademark denied). A woman friend of mine, in a peak of frustration with her new, sensitive, feeling expressing boyfriend screamed “Metro-sexuality has no place in the bedroom!!”

Well ladies, it is here and here it shall remain. Sorry the sex sucks.

As you probably know I have a penchant for manbags. My 9 year old nephew has a penchant for calling them purses.
"Oh, Uncle Matt, where's your purse?" He'll ask, innocently.
"It's not a purse, it's a man-bag" I explain patiently.
"Hmmmm, no... it's definately a purse" He says scratching his chin.
I then hold him out the 3rd floor window by his feet and scream "IT'S A MAN-BAG, DAMN YOU!!!!

Last night he and his family came over for dinner and he confessed that, being in Paris, he is now interested in getting a man-bag although I guess it should be called a boy-bag.

"Really" I said, "You want a purse? Hmmm isn't that interesting"

I should probably be embarrassed to gloat in winning this ongoing battle after all he's 9 and I'm 43 but a victory is a victory.

“MAN’S NIGHT OUT!!!!!”

Kelly rolls her eyes “ok…you do that”

Man’s Night Out, the idea feels me with glee. Back in the day Man’s Night Out was dangerous. Friends and I would meet up after work with in downtown Chicago and walk home, north to Wrigleyville. We would stop in every dive bar we passed and have a couple. By the time we got home it was 3:00 in the morning and we could barely stand but it had been worth it. I have been called a “rat fucker” by Middle Eastern shopkeepers long before it was fashionable to be hated by them. One woman told me that she would “rip off my head and shit down my neck” it was unclear why she was going to do that but it was all part of Man’s Night Out. So when my friend Demetrius called last night and said “MAN’S NIGHT OUT!!!”

I responded with a hardy “HELL YA!!! I’LL CHECK WITH MY WIFE!!”

Now that drinking is out of the question, smoking cigarettes and anything else for that matter is over, along with anything else that is remotely fun Man’s Night Out has changed. For instance we can have a man’s night out in the middle of the week and not worry too much about missing work. It’s a lot like double dating but without any dates and we get to see a manly movie but even those are in short supply. Oceans 13- that’s what’s left to us.

“I’M LEAVING FOR MAN’S NIGHT OUT!!!!” I scream from front door.

“Ok- you have fun with gay night out…I mean man’s night out.” Kelly says from the second floor.

GAY NIGHT MY ASS!!!! I yell upstairs as I throw my man-bag over my shoulder, checking to make sure there is a diet coke in it and a sweater. It gets so chilly at the movies.