My great grandfather boarded a ship in the late 1800’s and crossed the ocean. He sailed from Europe to America in search of a better life.

Several generations later a number of his descendents have boarded planes and moved back to Europe, also in search of a better life.

What lies beyond the ocean has always fascinated us. We expect a better life than the one we leave- it will be better “over-there” and while this may be true in some cases I suspect that in the majority of instances there is little to no change other than geography. The old saying still holds true- wherever you go there you are.

I don’t know how much my great grandfather’s life really changed- certainly his children and his children’s children have found what he sought, but I don’t know that he did.

If I truly want change when I move to France I will need to not only change the landscape but I will also need to reassess what is happening within me. Complacency is the kiss of death to meaningful change.

I need to get back into the swing of things and I think I've left a few questions unanswered. I wrote the following post a few days ago and afterwards read from a blog which I enjoy immensly, Self Taught Artist. She talks about the real fears involved with leaving security and pursuing a dream. It's strange but that, in part, is what this post is about but I want to think more about the real fears involved- the fears I've purposely not explored because I thought it might keep me from chasing the dream. I'm pondering that this weekend. I like when someones writing challenges me to do a little soul searching

Paris. It was a great trip and we did what we wanted. Our plan in going there was to walk the neighborhoods and decide if this was a place we wanted to live. Seems like a no brainer, doesn’t it? Paris versus the Midwest….hmmmm. Maybe the choice is obvious but there is a romance factor with Paris that you have to get past. When I think of living in a foreign city I immediately roll into a romantic notion of what it would be and my romantic version of life is nowhere close to reality.

An Italian friend of ours lived in Paris for several years working in restaurants before opening his own place here. He made an interesting and simple point when he said “living in Paris is considerably different then visiting Paris.” So we went to Paris to walk the neighborhoods. We didn’t go to any museums, we didn’t clutch The DaVinci Code in our sweaty little hands as we searched for the sacred feminine and we did not tell one Frenchman that “we saved his ass in the big one” although it was tempting –we, essentially, took a 12 day stroll around town.

I have to be honest -part of it scared me. I haven’t had to live without the security of money for a long time. I’ve always had enough squirreled away that it would take a major financial crunch to unnerve me. I’ve grown used to living in a house with different rooms for different activities and a yard to work on and a car in the garage. It will be different, but of course, that’s the point.

I don’t know that Paris will inspire me as a writer. Truth be told I could just as easily, perhaps more so, write in the Midwest and work a job and keep my house and be near family and friends but for reasons unknown I want to put it all on the line. I want to sink or swim as a writer within the year. I want to be able to look back on it and say ‘I gave this writing thing a fair shake.’

This sink or swim attiude is fine when you are on your own but that is no longer the case for me. K- will sink or swim with me. She is being a good sport in putting our lives on hold for this dream of mine. She has, in fact, made this her dream. She will get her masters She was just accepted to teh AUP (American Univeristy in Paris), study French, and, perhaps, learn to tie a scarf.

Rut Row Raggy

It's funny to have just written about change, especially the fear of change. What I didn't expect is that maybe I should have been fearing no change.

K- called me in a panic. Apparently when she was filling out her tax status for a job that began last year she inadvertently checked a wrong box. No problem I'm thinking, I usually check the wrong box. Well this might be a problem because it turned out that she has not paid any federal taxes last year which means we will owe them a lot of money. This could effect many things because the Paris move was tight to begin with.

Bones once told me, "that's how life comes at you sometimes". I'm keeping good thoughts- we shall see what we shall see.

Fear is a corrosive thread that can run through and ruin a life. I don’t recall being particularly fearful when I was growing up. I was afraid of ghosts and had nightmares that any child would, but some fears snuck up on me as I got older. I remember being asked to sing a stanza of Good King Wenceslas in front of my elementary school- I had no fear of that at all. My sister even claims that I did an impromptu dance as I sang. You would never catch me doing that now because of fear.

Fear is a peculiar thing, obviously it is required in order to survive but it can be a bit of a double-edged sword. I fear certain neighborhoods at night and some even during the day that is a rational fear. I have a fear on enclosed areas such as elevators, which know this is an irrational fear. I don’t fear the elevator cable snapping which would be a healthy fear. Put another way: I’d rather have the elevator fall than be stuck between two floors. I don’t fear airplanes but that seems like a healthy fear, but I am uncomfortable in the back seat of a car for an extended time which is admittedly foolish.

Rational Fears
Someone I love getting hurt
My parents passing away
Drinking – although I fear this less in that I don’t think I will
Waking up from a nightmare at 3:00 AM- it isn’t rational but it makes sense

Irrational Fears
Elevators
Enclosed areas
Panic Attacks
Public Speaking
Being the center of attention
Fear of being lost (but only while walking- and not when I’m traveling- go figure)

I don’t have very many rational fears- I didn’t realize that until I wrote this silly little list out, but irrational fears?- fugetaboutit. Irrational fears have directed my life in many ways. These fears have subsided somewhat since I’ve quite drinking and have attempted to live a spiritual life but they are still there and they crop up when, as we say in recovery lingo, “I’m feeling ate up”. When I’m edgy, hateful, selfish, self-seeking these fears grow. I have to keep spiritual fit or these fears will begin to run my life again. If this happens I would then have a healthy fear of self-medicating. Drinking, for me, washes all the fears away.

I’ve been thinking about fear because we will have some major changes in our lives. These changes will be good in the long run but they will fill me with fear in the short term. It’s best that I recognize this now, so there are no surprises and that I keep on some kind of spiritual path. Is this something everyone has to do or just us garden variety drunks?

K- is traveling to Portland with her mother to homestead this weekend. I don't know if you would call it "homesteading" but that's what it seems like. K-'s mom is ready for a change of scenery- a lifetime in the midwest is too much. K- has always wanted to move. The only thing keeping her in our little corner of the world is her mom. So together they have loaded up the mules to scout out land in the west. This my impression of how much say I'll have in this whole thing.

K-: We are back from our scouting expedition. The land is fertile and so am I. Pack your bags we are moving to Portland.
MidWest: but....
K-: I don't see bags a'packin'. Get a move on- we're burning daylight
Midwest: Ok.

It may be fun to make a move. But first- we will live in Paris for 1 year starting in August.

Change is the topic for today.

I've noticed that I'm having trouble updating the blog. I was so good for the last three months and then I dropped off. My motivation has been renewed by a blog I chanced upon called The Bold Soul.

Resolutions are required for change. There is a part of me that doesn't want anything to do with resolutions. I used to drink like a fish, to the point of physical harm, and I quit. I haven't had a drop of alcohol for 9 years. That, in my book, is a long time between drinks. I smoked for 25 years and quit that 2 years ago. I quit smoking 3 months before visiting the South of France which is insane. (At least I was still drinking when I went to Ireland). So whenever the subject of resolutions comes up I get excited for the change and the planning of it but in the back of my head I think 'shit, I've done enough'.

This year I am making resolutions.
1. I've been working out on weights and walking/jogging 3 times a week for the past two months, I will continue that.
2. I will update my resume and even have a professional resume writer help me.
3. I will stop drinking sodas, granted I only drink diet coke anyway but I can't think its good for me.
4. I will cut my tremendous ice cream consumption to twice a week (down from 7 days a week). Why do I eat an abnormal amount of ice cream a day - because that's how I roll.

That will be enough change for one year.

Obviously the biggest change will be the moving to Paris by August. There is a lot to do to make this happen. I need to stay focused and continue checking off my to 'do list'. When my resolve is in question I can read up on The Bold Soul, who is making her dreams happen.